So we're pleased to announce that Obama's budget proposal was better than expected. But that was mostly because we expected him to put Harry Reid in shackles and throw him into a pool filled with live sharks. Really, this is the type of stone-cold bargaining you get from the 44th President of the United States.
Really, negotiating with Obama is easier than beating a sackful of kittens, provided you're a Republican. It's a simple two step process. Start by abandoning your position. Then, shift your views just to the right of Attila the Hun. Then wait! Obama will inevitably assume your old position, meaning that you get the triple benefit of a) seeing your original plan passed, b) getting to push the American political debate to the far right, and c) being able to excoriate the President as a socialist for having the temerity of trying to pass a plan your originally supported.1 2
Success!
We can't blame Republicans, though. It only worked 1,293,939 times before Obama showed signs of catching on. And today he did, with a plan that was only tilted 3:1 in favor of spending cuts over tax increases, as opposed to the plan Paul Ryan favors, which involves striking the American middle class on the head with a large cartoon mallet before giving out tax breaks to super-rich bankers.
Still, while 3:1 is a marginal improvement compared to a plan that is actively insane, we feel we could do one better. So with no further ado, we present the Strawman Blogger Guide To Fixing America's Budget. You can thank us later.
The Strawman Blogger Guide To Fixing America's Budget: The Short Version
"Dear Americans. What a stupid fucking debate we are having. Truly, I can think of nothing more productive than slashing spending in the middle of an anemic recovery after a crushing recession. Real GDP growth is being revised downward, from 1.9% to about 1.5%. Shit, I thought the first number was bad. It’s like we’re actually scared of returning to full employment."
"Still, much like a crank addict after a four-day dry spell, you demand more of what's killin' ya. So far be it for me to complain. What follows is my edifying and entirely reasonable plan for fixing the budget."
"Our long term deficit is caused by nothing more than Medicare. Luckily, the Affordable Care Act had many promising cost controls that even Ryan recognized and kept in his plan, so I plan to defend and promote that act to help correct the path of the Medicare cost curve.”
“Our medium term deficit is exacerbated by the irresponsibility of the unfunded Bush tax breaks, many for the richest Americans. In this time of shared sacrifice, I’ll let those expire. Social Security, on the other hand, is fundamentally sound. Its minor budget problems can almost entirely solved by lifting the payroll tax cap, so I’ll veto any bill that cuts benefits and puts retirees at further risk of poverty. The non-defense discretionary budget is not the driver of our long term deficit, so while I welcome reforms, accountability, and the right priorities, I won’t accept cuts to the social programs that assist the needy and promote the well being of the our country, like Pell Grants, child nutrition, or funds for scientific research.”
“Finally, our short term budget deficit it caused by the collapsing tax revenues due to this recession. As good, honest, hard working Americans struggle to find jobs, they have more need of programs like unemployment insurance and pay less in taxes. Solving this problem means putting America back to work. So I will follow with plans for short term deficit spending to increase demand, spur jobs, and make it easier for business to hire. I also believe that the Federal Reserve is staffed by of a bunch of arrogant white mincing venal ex-investment bankers who’s minds have long ago been wasted away by the furious pace of their socially damaging rent-seeking, and as a result are too childish, close minded, and blinded by epistemic closure to notice that their slavish ignorance of 8.9% unemployment and below-average inflation is destroying the country. So here are my list of nominations for all vacant Fed chairs.”
“While Republicans may have you believe that we can afford our society, but not accept the adult responsibility of paying for it, I know that Americans are mature enough to believe differently. What we pay for our government has not changed substantially over the last fifty years. Outside of health, the cost of our government has not changed substantially in forty years. But our taxes have changed. We pay less today than at any other time in modern history. Most of all the rich, who have appropriated the fruits of this country's labor while advocating the ridiculous notion that they have no responsibility to pay for its care. That is got to change.”
Then I’d have graphs. I fucking love me a graph.
1Great example of this: The Affordable Care Act, which we prefer to call the Dole/Daschle Health Care Care Plan Of Awesomeness.
2Another great example of this: The 2011 budget fight, which played out like this. REPUBLICANS: We demand 33 billion in cuts! DEMOCRATS: Never! REPUBLICANS: Then we demand 70 billion in cuts! DEMOCRATS: How about 38 billion? REPUBLICANS: Socialists! But ok.
